the way i worship

This is a 10 minute free writing snippet/scene. I’m going to start writing more of these. They’re fun to write and share.

The way I worship is blind. I walked into the bar not knowing. I might as well have been blindfolded. Smoke filled the air, invading my lungs, as I moved deeper into the bar. Voices mingled around me but I couldn’t decipher them. They swept over me, like a gentle caress, as I shivered against the chill that ran through me. I wasn’t dressed for this. I wasn’t prepared for this. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. No one had warned me off him so here I was, ready to face him, ready to fall at his feet, ready to surrender myself so completely that I knew for sure that I would lose myself forever.

Fear snaked through me as my body collided with others, hands finding me, trying to pull at me, wanting to rip through me, but I kept walking, my eyes straight ahead, my eyes focused only on him.

He watched me as I walked towards him, his eyes dark and piercing. He didn’t say any words. He didn’t need to. I felt captivated by him, pulled in, moving towards as if it was the only thing I could do. His expression was blank, unreadable. I let mine go blank, too, not wanting to give anything away, not that I had anything to give away. I was in so far over my head that I knew I would never resurface. And a part of me was ok with that. A part of me was ready to surrender fully.

The crowd finally parted, leaving me alone, as I walked towards him, my eyes never leaving his, my eyes focused, as if mesmerized, being pulled in step by step, knowing that I was walking towards my destiny even if he decided to throw me away. I knew then that’s how my life would be and I wouldn’t complain.

Once I stood in front of him, my shoes grazing the step he sat on, I lowered my eyes, my arms at my side, not knowing what else was expected of me. The loud hum of the crowd got swallowed as my mind only focused on him. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else existed.

He looked me over as if I was there to sell him something, an unwelcome solicitor. My heart pounded, sweat pouring off me, my hands clammy. I tried not to fidget, to squirm, to have some sense of self as he drank me in.

I knew what he saw — a thirty-something woman on her last leg in life, with nothing left to lose, with no family or friends, only this moment. I had driven into town with nothing, having left it all behind when I fled, not knowing where I was going or where I’d end up. I no longer cared. It no longer mattered. He knew all this, knew my past and had his hands around my future. He knew everything about me and still wanted me to come. I tried not to think about it as I stood there, tried not to think about what it all meant.

I lowered my eyes as shame washed over me. He stood up, looming over me, stepping closer. I held my breath as he brought his hand under my chin and forced me to look at him, his eyes black and deadly.

“You want to be here.” It wasn’t a question.

I nodded, not knowing how else to respond. He had me and he knew he had me. I had nothing else to give.

“You will do,” he said, his voice low.

All the other voices had stopped to listen to him, like only his words mattered. My body began to shake. It was all too much. My mind spun as I took in deep breaths, not wanting to faint, not wanting to appear ridiculous.

He let go of my chin and nodded to someone behind me. Big hands grabbed me and pulled me away. My eyes never left his as they dragged me away. I didn’t kick or scream. This was my fate. I had come here willingly. I knew what I was doing. At least I thought I did. I didn’t know anymore. I felt like my life was over but maybe it was only beginning.