i’ve been exploring the dynamics of submission and what it means to surrender for several years, both sexually and spiritually, but it isn’t until recently that i’ve begun to discover for myself exactly what it means to surrender. it started out with an urge to surrender and submit sexually – and that urge has been there for a very long time – but it has recently morphed into something else, something deeper, which has been a bit surprising.

as i mentioned in a previous post, i can be quite controlling. i like to have things under control. i’ve always been this way and have recently identified this as coming from fear. i want to be in control because i fear being out of control. it’s an interesting discovery since there’s a large part of me that’s been screaming to let go and surrender – to fully submit – and i feel this is no accident. the part of me that wants to control has finally reached its breaking point and needs to let go of the reigns and fully surrender in ALL areas of life.

for me what it means to surrender is to let go of the illusion of control and to stop trying to control situations and others. it’s about opening up to an allowing, to stop forcing things, to stop putting my control on others (especially my husband). it’s about realizing that i’m not the one driving the bus and there’s nothing worse than a backseat driver who’s always telling the driver what to do next, especially when the drive has it more than adequately under control.

i’m still exploring what it means to fully surrender. i’m at the beginning of my journey. it’s interesting how exploring the submissive tendencies of women towards men has opened up this deeper understanding of how this dynamic works. i’m currently reading the surrendered wife by laura doyle and if you’re married/in a serious relationship and haven’t read it, i couldn’t recommend it more. it’s all about releasing control over your man and has highlighted ways I didn’t even know I was doing it. totally eye-opening.

i plan to keep you updated on my progress. so far, it hasn’t been easy but i’m slowly learning. i’m also surrendering my control over my writing and my business. i am still doing the work but i’m letting go of what happens after i release it out into the world. yes, i have responsibilities and i’ll keep up with those but i’m releasing trying to control outcomes, to make it look or be a certain way. this is where true freedom comes. i’m excited to see how it all unfolds.